This is Not for Sissies!

I'll be the first to admit: c-sections are not for sissies.  But I've never felt more like one in my life.

I'll say this - I was never afraid.  I've been a part of medical families (on both sides!) long enough to know a thing or two about medicine and hospitals, and I've never been afraid of surgery.  In fact, I've never understood why people freak out so much when they tell them they need to be operated on.  I honestly didn't care how Eli came out, as long as 1) he came out, and 2) he came out OK.  If that meant having to have major surgery, then fine.  I just never thought I'd really have to go through it.

After 14 hours of labor, Eli's heart rate was way lower than the doctor wanted to see. So a c-section was the safest way to get him out.  But it didn't really kick in until they started prepping me.  THAT'S when everything got completely real.  Just all the things they do to you to get you ready...then they wheeled me into the OR.

SIDE NOTE: the crazy part is that a bunch of these nurses/doctors knew me and I had no idea who they were (small Adventist world!+I work at Huguley).  One of them even told me, "Are you going to take baby up on stage to sing with you?!"  And all I could think was, "who are you?!" because I could only see her eyes behind all the gear she was wearing.  I eventually did find out who she was, but good grief...I was confused! Anyway, I digress.  

Dr. Duran finally came in and got started.  And yes, I have all of this on video, it's the COOLEST thing ever.  I totally felt the release of pressure when she pulled Eli out, and I even said, "Oh my goodness, I feel SO much lighter!!"  I heard his cry, I saw him, and they took him away.  James went with him to get bathed, to the nursery, etc., while they patched me up.  I was kind of out of it, and I remember shaking A LOT because I was so cold.  I was wheeled back into my room.  Everything was great - I had a perfect, sweet baby, I was surrounded by my family, and I was happy.

And then the pain meds wore off.  I didn't know I had to request them.  I thought the nurses would just bring them in every 4 hours.  Ya, no - they wore off.  And they wore off when I was in the shower.  James was with me, but I couldn't even move my arm back and forth to brush my teeth, I was in so much pain.  I was sobbing, and then that made it worse because if you didn't realize this, we use all sorts of stomach muscles when we sob!  Good grief, just thinking about it makes me want to cry.  I was finally able to get myself back into bed, but not before promising James, "I'm NEVER doing this ever again.  ELI WILL BE AN ONLY CHILD."  I remember the nurse coming in to help put on my binder and I told her in between sobs that I felt like such a pansy.  She kept telling me not to - I had just gone through major surgery - this was normal.

BTW - kudos to Huguley L&D nurses - they were AMAZING. And I don't say that just because I work there - they really were great!

But then I came home.  And the meds didn't wear off, but I HATED the recovery process.  I felt so useless.  I was breastfeeding Eli, I was tired, I was sore, I was uncomfortable, I was hormonal, there was stuff EVERYWHERE (I HATE a messy living room!) and there were a lot of people in my house.  It was the perfect storm.  When Eli was 1 week old, I sat on the couch with my mom, watching church online, and just cried.  I cried because I was tired, because I was barely making ANY milk, because I looked at myself in the mirror for the first time in a long time and hated what I saw.  No, I didn't have PPD, I was just sad.  I guess they call it the blues.

I don't like feeling like I don't know what I'm doing.  If I can't figure something out, I go CRAZY and I will work on it until I figure it out.  I also don't like feeling unprepared.  I was ready for all sorts of recovery from a vaginal delivery - I read up on it, I knew this, I knew that, etc.  I was never prepared for the recovery of a c-section.  Having a baby already calls for so much more than you're ever prepared for. It was a very humbling experience for me.  It knocked me down so hard, because I felt waaaay too independent to not know what I was doing. I felt like I always needed to have an answer to why he was crying.  Or why he was wincing.  Or why he was or was not sleeping.  I struggled.  It took a lot for me to realize that I can't always have the answer.  Don't get me wrong - I never once regretted having Eli - but I doubted my abilities a lot.  I have never felt more inadequate before in my life. It was by far, the most challenging thing I've ever done.

As the days went by, I started feeling more and more like myself.  It was so refreshing. When Eli was 1 week old, we went out to brunch.  And I was so amazed at modern medicine + the human body - that one week later, I was walking around like whatever. It felt good to see the light of day, to see people, to eat out (one of my most favorite things to do!).  I eventually started learning Eli's little habits; I started deciphering his cries, and I started getting the general hang of everything.

I reached out to my mommy friends -my village.  :)  They encouraged me, they loved on me, and told me about how they went through the same things.  Listening to them made me feel like I WASN'T completely crazy.  Every other first-time mommy struggled the same exact way I did.  It was completely normal.  And then I started feeling more normal.

I would never have been able to get through those first few weeks without my family. My mom, my in-laws and my sister did everything for us.  They grocery shopped, cleaned, held Eli so we could sleep, etc.  My church family brought meals to my house and so many others called and text to check up on us.  I can't even begin to describe the wonderful support we received.  I am by no means an expert - but Eli is 7 weeks old now and we didn't kill him!  I feel like I'm in a completely different place than I was 6 weeks ago.  I'm thoroughly enjoying this time off with him, and watching him develop. He's discovered his arms and his tongue recently, and I caught his first real smile on camera the other day (he was actually awake and not smiling in his sleep!).  I have to keep reminding myself to not post on FB 100 times a day because so many of the moments I catch are sacred to me.  While I still share a lot w/the FB world, I keep a lot of what we go through with Eli just between James and me.  So we can revel in those sweet moments together - just the two of us.

I've learned a lot about myself over the past year.  I've learned what I can and cannot take, I've learned that babies are mobile (yay!), and I've learned love in a way I can't describe.  Being a mom is hard, it's challenging, yes - but it's the best thing I've ever done.  I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Looking back at the day he was born and the hard weeks that followed, I can't help but give myself a pat on the back.  Because I got through it.  Because I did it.  It took a lot of people, it took faith, it took love from Jesus, but I did it.  My body went through major trauma and I survived.  And I realized maybe I'm not a sissy after all!


This is Eli smiling in his sleep - he does this all the time - haha!