Everything will be OK

The biggest lesson I've learned in the last 8 weeks is that everything will be OK.  It really will be.

There is one thing that James and I said we would never do: give Eli a pacifier.  And I found myself compromising.  I never wanted to give him a paci because I am deathly afraid of him having bad teeth.  I refuse to settle for Eli having braces someday.

I found myself trying to comfort Eli one night when he was about 2 weeks old - nothing I did worked. He was crying and screaming and wailing....I didn't know what else to do. So I did what every new mother does - I googled it.  I grabbed my phone and with screaming baby in crib, typed "how to soothe a crying newborn".  I got all sorts of tips, and the most common one was "Use a pacifier."  I learned that babies are naturally always trying to suck, and I noticed Eli was always sticking almost his entire hand in his mouth.  One of the mommies in my first-time-mommy group on FB told me, "you can always take the paci away - you can never take away his thumb."  She had a point.  I grabbed the only paci I could find and put it in his mouth.  Instant silence.  Instant sleep. That was the first night Eli slept 4 hours straight.  At 2 weeks old, we were golden.

I struggled a lot with that decision - because time after time I kept asking myself - am I doing what's best for Eli, or what's best for ME?  Am I doing this so that I can sleep, or am I doing this so that HE sleeps?  I went to bed and felt genuinely sad and grumpy. I felt like such a sellout. I hated that I had backtracked on a decision I had already made. After talking to James we decided we'd see how he would do.  Eli is now 8 weeks old and he is doing really well.  The paci helps to soothe him when he's extra fussy and he spits it out when he no longer wants it.  My hope is that I'll take it away from him before he starts teething...we'll see how that goes.

I learned that what I thought I knew before I was a parent all went out the window.  It's just like when you're single (girls, really).  You think you know exactly how you want your wedding to be - you know what colors you'll want, you know what dress you'll buy, you have it all pinned on Pinterest. And then you get engaged.  And the real planning starts.  And everything changes. Nothing stays the same.

Every kid is different.  Most of the time there's no right or wrong answer.  The most important part about motherhood is that we have to learn to trust ourselves.  To know that we know what's best for our children.  Will we (I) fail?  Absolutely.  Multiple times. But that's life.  Everyone fails.  And as much as I absolutely positively HATE not having the answers to all of my questions, it is what it is. And I figure it out as I go.

So all of this to say....everything will be OK.  I promise.

My sweet Eli and his paci

This is Not for Sissies!

I'll be the first to admit: c-sections are not for sissies.  But I've never felt more like one in my life.

I'll say this - I was never afraid.  I've been a part of medical families (on both sides!) long enough to know a thing or two about medicine and hospitals, and I've never been afraid of surgery.  In fact, I've never understood why people freak out so much when they tell them they need to be operated on.  I honestly didn't care how Eli came out, as long as 1) he came out, and 2) he came out OK.  If that meant having to have major surgery, then fine.  I just never thought I'd really have to go through it.

After 14 hours of labor, Eli's heart rate was way lower than the doctor wanted to see. So a c-section was the safest way to get him out.  But it didn't really kick in until they started prepping me.  THAT'S when everything got completely real.  Just all the things they do to you to get you ready...then they wheeled me into the OR.

SIDE NOTE: the crazy part is that a bunch of these nurses/doctors knew me and I had no idea who they were (small Adventist world!+I work at Huguley).  One of them even told me, "Are you going to take baby up on stage to sing with you?!"  And all I could think was, "who are you?!" because I could only see her eyes behind all the gear she was wearing.  I eventually did find out who she was, but good grief...I was confused! Anyway, I digress.  

Dr. Duran finally came in and got started.  And yes, I have all of this on video, it's the COOLEST thing ever.  I totally felt the release of pressure when she pulled Eli out, and I even said, "Oh my goodness, I feel SO much lighter!!"  I heard his cry, I saw him, and they took him away.  James went with him to get bathed, to the nursery, etc., while they patched me up.  I was kind of out of it, and I remember shaking A LOT because I was so cold.  I was wheeled back into my room.  Everything was great - I had a perfect, sweet baby, I was surrounded by my family, and I was happy.

And then the pain meds wore off.  I didn't know I had to request them.  I thought the nurses would just bring them in every 4 hours.  Ya, no - they wore off.  And they wore off when I was in the shower.  James was with me, but I couldn't even move my arm back and forth to brush my teeth, I was in so much pain.  I was sobbing, and then that made it worse because if you didn't realize this, we use all sorts of stomach muscles when we sob!  Good grief, just thinking about it makes me want to cry.  I was finally able to get myself back into bed, but not before promising James, "I'm NEVER doing this ever again.  ELI WILL BE AN ONLY CHILD."  I remember the nurse coming in to help put on my binder and I told her in between sobs that I felt like such a pansy.  She kept telling me not to - I had just gone through major surgery - this was normal.

BTW - kudos to Huguley L&D nurses - they were AMAZING. And I don't say that just because I work there - they really were great!

But then I came home.  And the meds didn't wear off, but I HATED the recovery process.  I felt so useless.  I was breastfeeding Eli, I was tired, I was sore, I was uncomfortable, I was hormonal, there was stuff EVERYWHERE (I HATE a messy living room!) and there were a lot of people in my house.  It was the perfect storm.  When Eli was 1 week old, I sat on the couch with my mom, watching church online, and just cried.  I cried because I was tired, because I was barely making ANY milk, because I looked at myself in the mirror for the first time in a long time and hated what I saw.  No, I didn't have PPD, I was just sad.  I guess they call it the blues.

I don't like feeling like I don't know what I'm doing.  If I can't figure something out, I go CRAZY and I will work on it until I figure it out.  I also don't like feeling unprepared.  I was ready for all sorts of recovery from a vaginal delivery - I read up on it, I knew this, I knew that, etc.  I was never prepared for the recovery of a c-section.  Having a baby already calls for so much more than you're ever prepared for. It was a very humbling experience for me.  It knocked me down so hard, because I felt waaaay too independent to not know what I was doing. I felt like I always needed to have an answer to why he was crying.  Or why he was wincing.  Or why he was or was not sleeping.  I struggled.  It took a lot for me to realize that I can't always have the answer.  Don't get me wrong - I never once regretted having Eli - but I doubted my abilities a lot.  I have never felt more inadequate before in my life. It was by far, the most challenging thing I've ever done.

As the days went by, I started feeling more and more like myself.  It was so refreshing. When Eli was 1 week old, we went out to brunch.  And I was so amazed at modern medicine + the human body - that one week later, I was walking around like whatever. It felt good to see the light of day, to see people, to eat out (one of my most favorite things to do!).  I eventually started learning Eli's little habits; I started deciphering his cries, and I started getting the general hang of everything.

I reached out to my mommy friends -my village.  :)  They encouraged me, they loved on me, and told me about how they went through the same things.  Listening to them made me feel like I WASN'T completely crazy.  Every other first-time mommy struggled the same exact way I did.  It was completely normal.  And then I started feeling more normal.

I would never have been able to get through those first few weeks without my family. My mom, my in-laws and my sister did everything for us.  They grocery shopped, cleaned, held Eli so we could sleep, etc.  My church family brought meals to my house and so many others called and text to check up on us.  I can't even begin to describe the wonderful support we received.  I am by no means an expert - but Eli is 7 weeks old now and we didn't kill him!  I feel like I'm in a completely different place than I was 6 weeks ago.  I'm thoroughly enjoying this time off with him, and watching him develop. He's discovered his arms and his tongue recently, and I caught his first real smile on camera the other day (he was actually awake and not smiling in his sleep!).  I have to keep reminding myself to not post on FB 100 times a day because so many of the moments I catch are sacred to me.  While I still share a lot w/the FB world, I keep a lot of what we go through with Eli just between James and me.  So we can revel in those sweet moments together - just the two of us.

I've learned a lot about myself over the past year.  I've learned what I can and cannot take, I've learned that babies are mobile (yay!), and I've learned love in a way I can't describe.  Being a mom is hard, it's challenging, yes - but it's the best thing I've ever done.  I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Looking back at the day he was born and the hard weeks that followed, I can't help but give myself a pat on the back.  Because I got through it.  Because I did it.  It took a lot of people, it took faith, it took love from Jesus, but I did it.  My body went through major trauma and I survived.  And I realized maybe I'm not a sissy after all!


This is Eli smiling in his sleep - he does this all the time - haha!

I'm Pregnant

I will never forget the day I found out we were pregnant.

I woke up suddenly as soon as my alarm went off - which is odd, because it usually takes me a good 10 minutes to really wake up.  I'm a stomach sleeper - or, I was.  So that morning I woke up with a seriously sore chest.  My eyes popped open and the first thought that came into my head was "Oh my lord, I'm pregnant."

I got out of bed and felt the soreness even more.  I checked the calendar - sure enough, I was already a week late.  I went over to James and said, "Boo, I think I'm pregnant."  To which he responded, "Whatever."

"No, I'm serious, James - my boobs hurt like heck and I'm a week late.  Since you're off today, can you go buy a pregnancy test for me?  I just need to be completely sure."

"No.  You're crazy."

I really thought he was kidding, but by the time I was ready to come home I called him and asked if he'd bought the test and he said no.  So I stopped by Target on my way back from work and bought it.

The Target employee at the register saw what I was buying and said, "Ooooooo - let's see.  Look me in the eye.  Yup.  You're pregnant.  And it's going to be a boy."

I literally LOL'd and said, "Ok, we'll see!"

I came home and took the test, and when I realized it was positive I said, "James....this mess is positive."  Again, he said "No it's not - you're lying."  "No, I'm serious - come look for yourself." James walked over to me, looked at the test and said "OH MY GOD YOU'RE PREGNANT!"  And then he had the deer-in-headlights look on his face.  I was suddenly so excited.  I couldn't believe it was happening!  I was smiling, laughing, jumping up and down, and James' deer-in-headlights look kept on....

We hadn't technically 'planned' this....we knew we wanted to get pregnant this year because 2014 marked our 5th anniversary, and we always said we'd wait 5 years before we had kids.  And we had a good 5 years.  We did some traveling, came and went as we pleased, volunteered the heck out of our time, and spent money on unnecessary things.  So when 2013 was ending, we decided I'd stop taking my birth control, detox from all the estrogen, and then let nature kind of do its thing.  Ideally, I wanted to start truly trying in June/July, but of course, we weren't very careful :) and by mid March I was pregnant.  It happened so fast - but we were OK with it.

Ever since I was a little girl, I knew I wanted to be pregnant at least once in my life. Pregnancy has always fascinated me.  To me, the thought of carrying a life INSIDE of my own body is completely unfathomable and a ridiculous miracle that I will never understand.  I still can't even comprehend the things that happened inside my body to form this perfect little human being.  It makes me so much more aware of how our bodies are such a beautiful miracle in and of themselves, and brings closer to home the thought that God fearfully and wonderfully made us - with his own hands.  He formed us, he took the time to make every single cell and nerve and vein and bone and tendon that is below my skin's surface.  I love thinking about this.  I love knowing that I serve a God who took the time to do this to each and every one of us.  He put in so much time and love....it's truly amazing!